Mary Cameron and the Haggis

 Since a lot of haggis has recently been consumed celebrating Burns Night in Scotland and beyond, it may not seem that inappropriate to offer a humorous anecdote recorded by Calum Maclean from the recitation of John MacDonald on 8 January 1951 about the Scottish national dish:
 

Bha cailleach a’ fuireach ann a Sròn na Bà, ris an abradh iad Màiri Chamaran. Agas bha a bràthair agas bean a bràthar a’ tighinn a choimhead oirre aig a’ Nollaig. A féisd a b' fhearr a bha i a’ smaoineach’ gum beireadh i dhaibh, gur h-e taigeis a dhèanadh i. Bha i uamhasach fhéin goirid ’s an t-sealladh. Agas bha i a’ cur air dòigh is a’ gréidheadh na taigeis ’n uair a bha gillean a staigh. Bha a bràthair a’ dol a chur tuthag air a’ bhriogais agas putain. Agas dh’fhàg e air a’ bhòrd iad agas dh’fhal^abh e a dh’ iarraidh na briogais. ’N uair a chaidh e a dh’ iarraidh na briogais as an t-sealladh, chan fhac(hc)a na gillean dad a b’ fhearr na na clùdan a bha seo agas na putain a chur anns an stuth anns am bitheadh an taigeis. Sgròb Màiri a chuile rud a bh’ ann a staigh do’n taigeis agas chaidh siod a chur air an teine. ’N uair a thainig bean a bràthar an àirde aig a’ Nollaig, an ath-oidhche, bha an taigeis aig Màiri deas dhaibh agas i a’ smaoineach’ gun robh ròic(hc) ghasda aic(hc)e. A’ chiad rud a thainig a mach as an taigeis ’n uair a dh’ fhosgail Màiri i, ’s e na clùdan a bha seo agas na putain. Agas chuir i air an truinnsear aig bean a bràthar e. Cha do dh’ich bean a bràthar dad dheth.  

“O,” thuir^st ise, “nach i bha tàireil ’n uair nach do dh’ich i an taigeas mhath a bha sin. Cha ruigeadh i a leas a bhith cho s(t)raoineiseach. Tha mi cinnteach gur h-iomadh taigeis agas rud eile a chunnaic i, ach chan fhac(hc)a i riamh taigeis móran na b’ fhearr na sin.”
 

And the translation goes something like this but it has to be admitted that the humour – gentle though it is – probably doesn’t come across too well: 
 

There was an old woman in Stronaba called Mary Cameron. Her brother and sister-in-law were coming to see her at Christmas time. The best meal she could think of giving them was haggis. She was terribly short-sighted. She was arranging it and dressing the victuals of the haggis when some lads came in. Her brother was going to put a patch and buttons on his trousers. He left them on the table and went to fetch the trousers. When he was out of sight fetching the trousers, these lads saw nothing better than to put the patch and the buttons in the mixture which was to make the haggis. Mary scraped together everything and put it all into the haggis and it was then put on the fire. When her sister-in-law arrived at Christmas, the next night, Mary had the haggis ready and she thought she had prepared a great feast. The first thing that came out of the haggis was the patch and the buttons. She then placed this on her sister-in-law’s plate. Her sister-in-law didn’t even touch it.

“Oh,” she said, “isn’t it insulting that she never ate that tasty haggis. She needn’t be so peevish as I’m sure that she has seen many haggises and other things besides but she’s never seen a haggis much better than that.”

References:

SSS NB 7, pp. 590–91

Image:

Haggis / Taigeis